


the ground begins to shake (every time she comes my way)

by cjmasim



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Asexual Character, Background Wolfstar, Coming Out, F/M, Internalized Acephobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26523373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjmasim/pseuds/cjmasim
Summary: James plans to live out the rest of his life pining over Lily, and he's learned to be okay with that. They're friends now, and that's more than he could've realistically hoped for a year ago.It's Lily who throws a wrench in the plan.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58
Collections: Harry Potter Ace Fest 2020





	the ground begins to shake (every time she comes my way)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the HP Ace Fest 2020 in response to a prompt. It was a lot of fun to write about an asexual character; even though I'm ace myself, I haven't properly done this before! 
> 
> Warnings for internalized acephobia and some minor anxiety.
> 
> The title comes from Earthquake by Knuckle Puck.
> 
> A playlist and cover art can be found [here](https://cjmasim.tumblr.com/post/633445759284559872/fic-32-the-ground-begins-to-shake-every-time)!

To James, the first Hogsmeade weekend has always been the most important weekend of the year. 

When they were third years, Peter had suggested they all try to find dates. Remus had laughed it off, saying he didn't see the point in trying to date when they've barely even hit puberty, and Peter himself never managed to figure out who he wanted to ask. Sirius asked a girl in Hufflepuff, but didn't bother to try again when she said no. 

James, however, took Peter's suggestion very seriously. 

It wasn't a hard choice. Ever since first year, he's loved the way Lily Evans' bright red curls shine in the sunlight, and she has always been so nice to everyone - even Snape. As much as she used to insist that he was her friend, James had never believed it in the early years. 

The first Hogsmeade weekend of third year was also the first time James asked Lily out, and he would do it again for every Hogsmeade weekend for the next four years. 

She said no, of course. Back then, she had thought she was too young to date.

"I'm sorry," she'd said. "You're really nice, but I'm not interested in dating anyone." 

"But everyone who's anyone gets a date to a Hogsmeade weekend," James had said. The reddening of her cheeks had been his first clue to save himself, but he'd pressed on. "It's what all the older students say, you know."

"I don't care," Lily had said, her voice much colder. She had walked away without another word. 

Looking back, James is positive that she would've forgiven him if he'd left it at that. Pressing too hard once as a dumb 13-year old is one thing, but she would've moved on soon enough. Maybe she had already started to move on by the second time he asked, or even the third. Probably not the fourth. 

James knows now that he was a very dumb kid, regardless of what his O.W.L. results say. The thought that Lily would like him better if he just left her alone didn't even occur to him until Peter got a girlfriend in sixth year. He'd been fawning over her for weeks, barely even able to work up the courage to talk to her, and when Sirius threatened to put black hair dye in his shampoo if he didn't ask her to go to Hogsmeade with him, she'd actually said yes. 

Of course, hindsight is 20/20. Once James realized that too much confidence hurts a man's chances, he'd backed off. The final Hogsmeade weekend of sixth year was the first time James went without asking Lily out. In fact, he refrained from talking to her at all unless he had to for a class. It was the hardest thing he'd done since the Animagus transformation.

They have no choice but to talk now, given that they're Head Boy and Head Girl. 

The first Hogsmeade weekend of seventh year - the _last_ first Hogsmeade weekend - passes without James asking Lily out, making it two Hogsmeade weekends in a row that she's been free from his advances. It shows in their interactions that following week, with Lily being much warmer to James than she has been in years. 

He's positive that he's never going to get over his infatuation with her, but at least they can be friends. 

Really, it would almost be easier for him to never get over her. He's lived with this longing for nearly as long as he's been at Hogwarts. He's also figured out that the part of his brain that's supposed to want sex is missing, because he's 17 now - a legal adult - and the thought of it disgusts him just as much as it did when he was a child. 

There's a term for it, asexual, at least according to a book he'd skimmed through at a Muggle bookstore with Sirius over the summer. He hadn't wanted to be caught reading a book on queerness, even with Sirius having come out as gay last year. He's not sure if it really fits him or if he's just broken, but he doesn't feel the need to ponder it too much. Lily certainly wouldn't want him because of it, but she doesn't want him anyway, so what does it matter?

-

James plans to live out the rest of his life pining over Lily, and he's learned to be okay with that. They're friends now, and that's more than he could've realistically hoped for a year ago. 

It's Lily who throws a wrench in the plan. 

"Hey James," she says one evening as they're walking back to Gryffindor tower from the library together. "Would you want to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?" 

His mind freezes. He's pretty sure his brain stops functioning altogether, as he stops walking and stands in the middle of the corridor like a complete fool with his mouth hanging open. 

"Well?" Lily presses.

James splutters. "You - you mean - like a date?" 

"A date, yes," she says. He must be dreaming. There's no other explanation. 

"I'm dreaming then, right?"

Lily laughs, and his heart skips several more beats. He wonders, briefly, if he needs a Healer. 

"Of course not," she says. "As much as I appreciate the dramatics, I'd really love to keep walking so that I don't have to take points from you for being out after curfew."

"Oh, right," James starts walking again, relieved that his brain is still capable of telling his legs to do that. 

"So... your answer?"

James had almost forgotten to give her a bloody answer. He resolves to ask Remus what it's like having a functional brain. 

"Yes, yes, of course," he rushes out. 

"Great," Lily says with a smile. "I look forward to it."

-

As soon as they part ways in the common room, the anxiety hits him. He rushes up the stairs to his dorm, hoping anyone watching will just think he's excited. 

He slams the door behind him once he gets in the room, sliding down until he's on the floor as he tries to calm his breathing. Remus and Peter are nowhere to be found, but Sirius gets up from his bed.

"You okay there?"

James doesn't respond, just buries his face in his hands. What was he _thinking_? He should've just said no and spared himself the heartbreak. He had been doing so well at learning to live with the longing, and now this one date is going to fuck up all of his progress.

"Okay, okay, breathe," Sirius says, and James looks up to see that he's sitting on the floor next to him now. 

James sighs. "What have I _done_?"

"Tell me what happened," Sirius says, and James knows he can't get out of it now. He had been hoping the dorm would be empty, but at least Sirius is the easiest of his friends to talk to about this.

"It's great news, really," James says, not quite sure he even believes it. "Lily asked me to go to Hogsmeade with her."

He wishes he'd taken a picture of Sirius' face. "You're kidding," he laughs in disbelief. "She actually asked _you_? After all this time?"

"I'm as shocked as you are, mate." He tries to smile, but it comes out as more of a grimace. 

"Is this not a good thing?" Sirius asks, no hint of judgment in his tone. "Didn't you say you still liked her last week?"

"I do," James says. That much is true. "I don't think I'll ever stop liking her. I just don't think - I don't think she's going to like me. Once she gets to know me, that is."

"Prongs, come on mate, she's had to put up with you asking her out several times a month for years, and you think she'll be turned off by your winning personality? No way. She asked you out because she likes you."

James looks away. He knows that Sirius means well, and what he's saying isn't wrong, but he can't quite bring himself to say what's really bothering him.

"You can talk to me," Sirius assures him. His eyebrows are furrowed in confusion, or maybe worry. Probably both, and James knows he needs to tell Sirius the truth. 

"I - it's - Merlin, I don't know how to do this."

Sirius is patient, and James feels a surge of gratefulness for his friend. "Is there a reason you think she won't like you once she gets to know you?"

"Yes," James admits, sighing and trying to work up the courage to expand on that. It really shouldn't be so difficult to come out to the one person who is least likely to laugh at him, and yet it is. 

"Go on," Sirius encourages him. "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready, but I think it might help."

"She's not going to like me because I don't want to have sex with her," he rushes out. "Or anyone, not just her. I'm never going to. I'm - I guess the term is asexual."

Sirius doesn't start laughing, so that's a good sign.

"I'm glad you felt like you could tell me," he says. "Honestly didn't know that was possible, but obviously I support you."

James knows he had no reason to doubt Sirius, but he can't help the flood of relief that surges through him. "Thanks, Padfoot," he says, voice barely above a whisper. He's weirdly emotional, and he's not quite about to cry, but he doesn't trust himself not to get there at some point in this conversation.

"You don't know for sure that Lily won't want to be with you, though. There's more to relationships than sex," Sirius adds.

"So, hypothetically, if Remus didn't want to have sex, you'd still want to be with him?" 

"This has nothing to do with my crush that I thought we'd agreed never to talk about again, but yes," Sirius says. "Merlin, he'd better not be standing right outside the door. He and Peter won't be able to get in with you sitting there, you know."

James shrugs, not bothering to move. "I don't know; I just feel like everyone wants sex, you know? I've never met anyone else who didn't."

"I feel like it has to be more common than you think," Sirius says. "Think about all the old-fashioned Purebloods, specifically the ones who marry purely for status. They don't actually _want_ to shag. They just want to make an heir, maybe a spare or two."

"This is getting a little too close to you talking about your parents having sex, isn't it?"

Sirius laughs. "Yes, yes it is. Bloody terrifying. But my point is that most of those Purebloods are perfectly content to live like that; they don't even have affairs all that often. And I'm sure there are other reasonable people like you who feel that way, too. Hey, maybe Lily's even one of them, has she ever even been on a date before?"

"Not that I know of," James says, which is as good as saying no. 

"See? The only way to know is to ask her," Sirius says. "And I highly doubt she's going to try to take you into a broom closet as soon as you get back to the castle. Just enjoy your day and let the relationship develop a little before you worry about telling her."

It's surprisingly logical, but James knows Sirius is smarter than he likes to lead people to believe. He doesn't have an argument to offer, in any case, so he may as well take Sirius' advice.

"Besides," Sirius continues, "if Lily is actually worthy of your greatness, she won't have an issue with it. And if she does try to pressure you into anything, you know Remus and Peter and I will stick up for you using whatever means necessary."

"Oh Merlin, don't tell me you're going to hex her," James laughs. 

Sirius' smile widens at his laugh, and James gets the sense that he was trying to cheer him up, the bastard. 

"Only if I have to," Sirius says. "But really, it'll be okay."

James smiles back, willing himself to believe it.

-

The date is fairly simple, just a trip to the Three Broomsticks and a walk around the village, but it's a dream come true. James had feared it would be awkward, or even worse, that Lily would change her mind about him in a few short hours, but they seem to never run out of things to talk about. 

"This was quite nice," Lily says as they begin to walk back toward the castle. They're walking slowly, not in any rush, as they still have plenty of time to get back. "Was it worth the wait?"

James laughs. "Yes, without a doubt."

He reaches out to take her hand, and she squeezes his back. They keep their hands locked together for the rest of the walk. 

"Do you want to do this again for the next Hogsmeade weekend?" It's James who asks this time. Even if he resolved never to ask her again not too long ago, things have changed.

"Yes, I'd love that," Lily replies. "We'll see each other before then, of course."

"Of course," James agrees without being entirely sure what he's agreeing to. The anxiety starts to bubble in his chest again, but he resolves to ignore it while he's still in Lily's company. He knows he'll have to come clean with her soon, but he's not going to do it while they're still on their first date. 

-

Seeing each other again turns out to mean sitting next to each other in Transfiguration, doing homework together in the common room, sitting together in the Great Hall, and most importantly, having actual conversations that aren't just about assignments. Lily even comes to Gryffindor's first Quidditch match after Remus brings it up at dinner the night before, and James promises to buy him as much chocolate as he can carry next time he goes into Hogsmeade. 

He and Lily are walking back from the library once again when she asks him if he wants to make things official. He's surprised again, having expected them to at least kiss before making things official, but he retains his composure.

"Don't worry, this time I won't forget how to walk," he jokes. "I would love to be your boyfriend."

"Then it's official," Lily says, taking his hand in hers and smiling.

He's quiet for a moment, thinking that this might be the moment he has to tell her. It's best to get it over with before they're in too deep; give her the chance to get out before any terribly strong feelings develop. 

"Is something up?" Lily asks. It's not characteristic of James to be so quiet.

He could lie, say that everything's fine and continue to put this conversation off. Surely if they haven't kissed yet, it'll be a while longer before she tries to initiate anything he doesn't want to do. Somehow, he gets the feeling that she'll see through the lie, so he opts for the truth. 

"There's something I need to tell you, actually. Could we - er, there's an empty classroom just around the corner, we could talk in there?"

"Okay," Lily nods. "If you'd rather it be in private."

They're quiet as they walk into the classroom, and once they're seated, Lily breaks the silence.

"What is it?"

It's too late now, but James wonders if he should've had Sirius pretend to be Lily so he could've practiced what he would say. He finds himself stuck once again, and he doesn't even realize he's tapping the desk until Lily puts her hand on his to steady it.

"Right, sorry, it's just - it's hard to put into words," James says. "I, er, I know we aren't at that point yet, but I figured it's best to tell you right away, so…"

"Yes?" Lily prompts as he trails off. "It's okay, James."

He sighs and starts over. "It's about sex. I - I don't know, I just don't care for it. I've never been interested in it, and I don't ever want to have it, with you or anyone. It’s called asexual – I’m asexual, that is. So, er, yeah, I just thought I should tell you in case that's a deal-breaker, because I understand if it is, and-"

"It's not a deal-breaker," Lily interjects. "I can't say I haven't considered how soon we might get there, but if you don't want to have it, then that's completely okay."

James looks back up at her, and she seems completely sincere. Her hand is still placed over his, and he adjusts it so that it's holding hers. 

"Sex isn't everything," Lily adds. "I'm curious about it, yes, but I'm not going to suffer if I don't have it. I'm not going to give you up just for that. You can't get rid of me that easily," she laughs. 

"That's - are you sure? I know it's a lot to ask-"

"It's really not," Lily says. "I've had a wonderful time hanging out with you so much lately, and I had a lot of fun on our date. I like you a lot, and I want to spend more time with you. All of those things are more important to me than sex."

"Okay," he nods, starting to let himself believe it. "That means a lot, you know. I - I'm glad to hear that."

“Is this just sex, then? What are you comfortable with, do you know?”

It’s a good question, and James takes a moment to think about it. He’s pretty sure kissing would be nice, but he’s yet to actually try it. He’s always used the excuse that he was saving himself for Lily, but now the opportunity is here.

“What we’ve done so far is all good,” he says. “The hand-holding, light touching. Cuddling, I suppose, and probably kissing. I’d like to at least try it.”

Lily nods as he speaks, taking in the information like her life depends on it. James is touched at the dedication. “Do you want to try it in general, or right now?”

It’s not how he would’ve ever imagined Lily to ask him to kiss her, but his heart skips a beat anyway. “Now is good, if you’d like that.”

“I would,” Lily says, leaning forward until she’s nearly touching James. He closes the gap, and even though neither of them have much of an idea of what they’re doing, being so close to her and feeling her lips moving with his is overwhelmingly incredible. James can’t imagine that this feeling wouldn’t be enough for most people, wouldn’t be the most intimate they ever get. Part of him wishes it would never end, but they have to break apart for air.

“Merlin,” he breathes. “Yes, yes, kissing is good.”

“We’ll have to do more of that,” Lily agrees. 

"Guess we're still official then," James says. He had been too preoccupied with the thought of coming out to Lily to even realize that he’d agreed to being her boyfriend. Lily – _the_ Lily Evans he’s had a crush on for what feels like most of his life – is his girlfriend.

Lily smiles back. "I’m glad that we are."


End file.
